The feeling you get after fighting against your heart for so long to not fall for someone or even feel anything... and then someone comes along and with one soft touch to your face and a slow passionate kiss... all that hard work you put into fighting off anything and everything is tossed in the trash leaving you impatiently waiting until the next time you see him.
I'm not sure what our relationship status is, and I'm not really sure when to have the conversation about it. But I have butterflies and I haven't gotten those in years. Or it's not butterflies, it's the nervous feeling you get in your stomach when you're terrified the person you're falling for is going to break your heart. I've fought off falling for someone for so long that it just came naturally for me to ignore someone the minute they dropped hints they liked me. I have liked him for about 5 years, but the first time we met, it didn't go very smoothly. We have been on a few dates the last couple months and I wasn't sure how he was feeling about me. I think the soft touch and slow passionate kissing might have been dropping a hint, but you can never be too sure.
And what an annoyance it is to live in a world where we always have to know everything instead of just going with the flow and waiting for things to happen. When did this become such a problem? I'm 24 and find myself over-analyzing day-to-day things wondering how they are going to pan out. I literally had to tell myself to shut up and stop thinking about it last night.
I think we start to over-think because when we get a glimpse of butterflies and happiness, we revert back to how it was the last time we were hurt by someone and clam up. The last "relationship" I was in lasted for about a month, and it ended badly. (Any guy who throws a fit and acts like a child when a girl is sick and doesn't want to have sex deserves to be pushed out of a moving car.) That was over a year and a half ago, and I've been locked tightly away since then.
I'm impatient when I fall for someone. I want to hear their voice, I want to touch their face, I want to kiss them and just lay there in bed staring at the world. I have to force myself to be patient and wait for him to talk to me first, and even then I'm still driving myself bonkers. I think I think about everything trying to over-analyze because if something goes wrong and he ends up not wanting me, I'll know exactly why. Well, if someone didn't want you, you would want to know why so I guess it isn't completely irrational... just annoying.
I do have to admit that I was blowing him off for almost two months because I was too scared of opening my heart to him. I couldn't tell what he wanted from me or how he felt about me after the first date, so I assumed he was making sure of that. He wouldn't even kiss me until the 3rd "date"... which confused me but I also somewhat appreciated. What really turned my mind around was the 2nd "date".
So, on new years eve, we were supposed to hang out and he said he had to work the next day so he couldn't stay out late. I got super annoyed because every time we would try to hang out, something came up. And then the next text I got, he said it was okay and he could stay out and be up late with me. That made me smile for a little while, but for some reason, I still ended up blowing him off. I was feeling sick, but still hung out with my friends for a few hours anyways. I didn't text him back when he was asking about plans because I was too busy doing whatever I was doing to be a nice enough human being and let him know what was going on. He waited for me and did nothing on new years because I was a bitch. Well, fast forward to a month later, which is the second date (Jan 10th)... he tells me that he was pretty bummed about new years because he had taken the next day off so he wouldn't have to leave me early. That made my gut hurt so bad that I had to fight the tears. What the hell was I doing? I'm so scared of someone hurting me that I hurt them to keep them from hurting me first. Who does that?! Self-sabotage much? Geez.
The first time we met, we hit it off. He was funny, I liked him, and he made me feel comfortable. Well, he clearly made me feel very comfortable because before I knew it, I was on top of him and we were practically having sex. It didn't go that far, he didn't want to... back then I felt rejected and unloved, and not pretty enough. But now that I'm an adult, I have so much respect for him for being able to say no. I didn't even have enough respect for myself to tell anyone no, so finding someone who could... it blew me away. I think I was 19, which was a really confusing age for me. I just wanted someone to love me. But sadly, we quit talking (probably because he thought I was a whore, lol) and about a year ago we got back in touch. I always wondered what he was doing, how he was doing, who he was doing, and if he ever thought about me. I haven't asked, and I probably won't for a while... that seems weird to me lol. But I have been trying to be more honest with people how I feel and say what's on my mind, so who knows when those questions will accidentally spill out of my mouth.
He kisses me slowly and softly. He puts his hands on my head or my face. He hugs me tight, and hugs me again. He looks at me a lot, and smiles. He even goes out of his way to come see me (he lives in Clackamas and I live in Vancouver) every time we hang out.
I think my heart opened up a little bit for him, and I'm hoping he's strong enough to pry the rest of it open. I promise that it's worth it.
