It's really hard for me to let people in. I can open myself to love, clearly that isn't much of an issue. But trusting people... trusting someone to not hurt me, trusting someone to be honest with me... trusting someone I am falling in love with is the hardest thing for me in the world. How can you even love someone if you don't trust them? That's a really dumb question because you can't explain it, you just do. Just like you can't control how you feel... honestly, I'd like to say that I'm pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, but I would be setting off some bullshit alarms if I managed to squeeze that huge lie out.
I really hate to put the blame on someone for how guarded I am, but I can't act like it just happened out of nowhere. I dated a guy who was mean to me. He hated any type of mushy stuff, he never wanted to hold my hand or kiss me in public, especially in front of anyone he knew. He didn't want to take pictures with me, and to top it all off, he even called me fat. The fat thing I can get over, I've heard it from plenty of people (although, to be honest, hearing it from someone you think loves you makes it worse) But not wanting to even hear me say "I miss you" or show any sign of love emotion towards him kind of broke me. Now I'm terrified that if I'm too nice to Tristan that he will think I'm being clingy or too mushy. I refrain from doing it as much as I can to him, so instead I'll post something temporarily on Facebook and then delete it later or the next day. I'm so scared of pushing him away that it's pathetic. I mean, really, what guy gets pushed away by a girl LOVING him? That's just really sad and if that pushes him away or makes him break up with me, then why would I want to be with someone like that anyway? I just really hope my insane brain won't cause me to ruin this. This is why I'm blogging... it helps me sort out all my nonsense, lol.
Maybe in time it will get easier, but for now, as I told Kayla... I'm like a diabetic in a candy store. I'm so excited about him, but so scared at the same time. I just want to be a perfect girlfriend to someone for once. I'm a doer, I like to do things for people I love or care about, it's who I am and I can't help it. It's how I show someone that I care without having to speak the words because sometimes it's so hard for me to find the courage to open my mouth and spill the beans.
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