why do I do this?

It's really hard for me to let people in. I can open myself to love, clearly that isn't much of an issue. But trusting people... trusting someone to not hurt me, trusting someone to be honest with me... trusting someone I am falling in love with is the hardest thing for me in the world. How can you even love someone if you don't trust them? That's a really dumb question because you can't explain it, you just do. Just like you can't control how you feel... honestly, I'd like to say that I'm pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, but I would be setting off some bullshit alarms if I managed to squeeze that huge lie out. 

 

I really hate to put the blame on someone for how guarded I am, but I can't act like it just happened out of nowhere. I dated a guy who was mean to me. He hated any type of mushy stuff, he never wanted to hold my hand or kiss me in public, especially in front of anyone he knew. He didn't want to take pictures with me, and to top it all off, he even called me fat. The fat thing I can get over, I've heard it from plenty of people (although, to be honest, hearing it from someone you think loves you makes it worse) But not wanting to even hear me say "I miss you" or show any sign of love emotion towards him kind of broke me. Now I'm terrified that if I'm too nice to Tristan that he will think I'm being clingy or too mushy. I refrain from doing it as much as I can to him, so instead I'll post something temporarily on Facebook and then delete it later or the next day. I'm so scared of pushing him away that it's pathetic. I mean, really, what guy gets pushed away by a girl LOVING him? That's just really sad and if that pushes him away or makes him break up with me, then why would I want to be with someone like that anyway? I just really hope my insane brain won't cause me to ruin this. This is why I'm blogging... it helps me sort out all my nonsense, lol.

Maybe in time it will get easier, but for now, as I told Kayla... I'm like a diabetic in a candy store. I'm so excited about him, but so scared at the same time. I just want to be a perfect girlfriend to someone for once. I'm a doer, I like to do things for people I love or care about, it's who I am and I can't help it. It's how I show someone that I care without having to speak the words because sometimes it's so hard for me to find the courage to open my mouth and spill the beans. 

Until next time...

4.5.12

In two weeks it will be one month since Tristan and I were "official"... ONE MONTH. So why am I already having dreams of him saying "Olive juice" to me? That's crazy right? Well, what's even more crazy is last night when we were at the movies, I literally had to force myself to cough up a lung because I almost said it OUT LOUD. I'm not sure which is worse- how soon I have that thought or the fact that it was OLIVE JUICE instead of the other more traditional 3 word phrase.

  I'm definitely too chicken to say that first... and even more importantly, i think it's too soon for me to know if it's real. Or maybe it's not too soon, but the fear of everyone else thinking it's too soon makes me believe so. Every time I look into his eyes, I want to say it, but I can't. I just can't. I'm terrified of it being too soon for him, of scaring him away, making him think I'm a clingy freak. But I know he feels that way, I can tell every time he looks at me. I can tell by the way he treats me, talks to me. I can tell by how he isn't afraid to hold my hand, put his arm around me, or kiss me... in front of his mom. (I've never dated a guy like that before.)

  Tristan and his mom, Alice, met my parents last night. I was a little nervous, but I knew they would get along great. My mom actually went as far as telling me the next day she thinks he's "the one"... why did she have to say that to me? That tortures me knowing someone else thinks we are going to get married. And not just one person, no no, my dad had to chime in and say the same thing as if they are conspiring against me. lol @ conspiring... as if my parents are FORCING me to fall in love and be happy. I guess sometimes I cheat myself out of happiness, like it's not allowed or something. But I knew the moment he kissed me that he was different, and even more cliche, that he was going to break through my barriers and crush them into sand.

  He told me his mom and his dad got engaged after being together for two months. She said it was literally love at first sight nd she knew she was going to marry him. I had to bite my tongue so I didn't say "I know how you feel." Yeah, let's say that to you while your son is sitting right next to me. At least I was on the outside in the booth so he could get up and run away. Except, she was across from us, which was close enough to reach and smack the daylight out of me for being ridiculous.

  I can't sleep without hearing his voice at least once that day, and the entire time he's talking, I'm closing my eyes because I am wishing his arms were around me. I've never felt more safe inside a pair of arms. They aren't just ordinary arms with ordinary skin and ordinary dark hair. They are Tristan's arms made from scratch, made from his beautiful mother and handsome father. They are arms that are connected to the hands that give me chills every time they touch me.

This all scares the crap out of me. I've literally never felt like this before, but I've also never been with anyone like Tristan. Never been with a guy who told me he missed me, who opened doors for me, who my parents loved immediately, who can give me chills with just touching me. But even though I'm so scared that he's going to hurt me eventually, I am letting him continue bust down my walls and make me fall in love with him.